Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Jury

I was in two minds about posting this. It's not meant as a diatribe, with no intent other than simply an expression of opinion.

I refuse to be made to feel guilty. I am fundamentally a good person. I don’t break laws (ok, I may speed occasionally!), I don’t run around terrorising the neighbourhood and I am not a social nuisance. The only thing I am guilty of is falling out of love. The last thing I’d heard this wasn’t a crime. Yet I am being punished for a decision made out of self preservation. All around me people are holding court, my judge and jury.

The fact of the matter is, my judge and jury is made up of those that expel the matter of their lives on the gristle of gossip, eager anticipation of reality TV extravaganza's and prophesying on life experiences they have not lived.

I understand such things are important to people and anyone that partakes is welcome to their entertainment, even if that does include my life. What does bother me though, is that these same people have formulated opinions on this life of mine and then chose to impart them to me as if they can salve my angst!

So, if you have offered me some opinion of what I 'should' do to save my marriage I would ask you to consider the following and then move on if our friendship is important to you.

I am a 31 year old female perfectly capable of making up my own mind regarding what is acceptable or what constitutes minimal requirements for a relationship.

I do realise that I entered into a binding relationship known to modern culture as a marriage, but you should be aware that this did not in anyway include ownership of my body or mind. I entered into a mutual relationship centred around an emotional commitment.

I am not stupid, incapable or vulnerable. I am in fact the owner of three degrees in unrelated subjects and learning is a passion that is ongoing. The fact that I chose to be emotionally trusting is my own choice.

I am a caring and thoughtful person. I have no desire to emotionally hurt anyone or make this any more difficult for both of us and our families. I cannot however be held accountable for any dilemmas manufactured by idle gossip.

I will not now lock myself in some chaste tower, but rather try too breath a little and tentatively experience a life almost forgotten. I am a human being and this is allowed, regardless of whether I do this with male or female friends, please keep your insecurities to yourself.

Finally, although you have only found out about this in the last few weeks, our failing relationship is something we have been fighting to save for nearly a year. I have not suddenly reached this conclusion. Now I have though I would like to move on.