Saturday, May 13, 2006

Who am I?

So, for days now I have sat infront of the computer trying to think of something insightful or inspirational (or even insipid- just to keep the alliteration thing going!!). Yet nothing earthshattering or indeed witty has sprung to mind. However, I have just realised this is not a problem, I will write anyway. Granted it may not be of much interest, but heh that's life. We don't generally run around with one liners flying out of our mouths left, right and centre. Infact, can you imagine anything worse than someone perpetually happy.

.....Which neatly brings me onto my resolution to break out of the SUL habit. Have done this with remarkable panache. I sobbed on a friend's shoulder with remarkable prowess. Then in the same 12 hrs I found myself also crying with laughter - emotions are fickle things! So, the day's positivity score. An average of 7 - with peaks of 9 and lows of -4. Confused? well me too!

At the moment I feel like I'm on some rollercoaster ride of emotions. With highs where I laugh, relax and remember for a fleeting moment who I am and lows where I just want to scream "stop this ride I want to get off!" But more importantly it's made me start to ask...Who am I?

I've never liked uncertainty in life, I find it unsettling and tiring. I like having a constant to ground me. Take life for example, I can cope with all manner of crises, provided there is something in my life that remains constant. I guess in some ways it's a bit like being a boat bobbing around in the sea. As long as the boat is anchored it can bob away without coming to too much harm. But take away the anchor and the boat becomes vulnerable. (Ok, a bit too much overanalysis there, but you get the jist, I'm a boat with a dodgy anchor!)

Anyway, all this introspection has led me to wonder just who I am, how others percieve me and amusingly whether there is any correlation between the two! Recently I have noticed a tendency for me to compartmentailise various aspects of my life, almost to the extent that I'm being to feel I become different people in specific situations. Or at least different versions of the same person. But what does this mean? Some would argue that it means I am not being myself in certain situations. But there is also the counterargument that different situations and people bring out different aspects of your personality.

The accusation that "You've changed" is one frequently heard in relationships. Reading between the lines it probably means "Help! get me out of here, you're not what I thought!" In relationships these words are about as welcome as "We need to talk", "It's not you, it's me" etc etc. But the whole point is, is change really a bad thing? Ok, obviously huge shifts in personality, principles, beliefs may cause a few problems. But the reality has to surely be that we do change, we evolve, as we experience life so life shapes us.

Is it really so important that we have a definative answer to who we are? Seemingly so, we love quizzes that purport to tell us things about ourselves. Open any women's magazine and the odds are you'll find some quiz, enlightening you about some aspect of your personality. Be it your sexual preferences, your exercise style, what you'll be like when you're older, what you're really like now. Anything it seems can be put in a series of closed questions and come up with a definative answer.

Take for example these insights into who I am! Amazon (www.amazon.co.uk) perceives me as a person who would buy Riverdance. A quiz on a website www.greatwriting.co.uk said that I should be a joke writer (hmmm possibly not!!) . Whilst a personality quiz on a BBC website (www.bbc.co.uk) tells me I have a mentor personality, meaning apparently that I am extrovert, outgoing, empathic and like to keep the peace. Enthused by these answers I then went on to answer a quiz about which of Santa's reindeer I'd be!! Apparently a shy one, who could be naughty!! What have these quizzes told me about myself? Not a lot to be honest (though it's always useful to know what type of reindeer you'd be!!).

But all this has got me thinking how do people view me? The only way to really find out is to ask them outright, but the reality is that most would probably tell me what they think I wanted to hear. I imagine though that if I asked my friends, family, colleagues to write down three words to describe me they'd all be very different, but equally relevant.

So after all this, who am I!!? I could tell you, but surely it would be much more fun for you to hypothesize and come up with your own theories. Who knows, you might even have a better idea than me!


At 3:53 AM, Blogger JohnieBG said...

Damn you have gone and done it again!

First the words in this post were like a ghostly echo of all the insecurities of my past, all the questions and ponderings of my mind between 2000 and 2004 when I was really struggling with every detail of self you mention.

Right now I feel perfectly happy with me, have accepted what I cannot be, know what I am not and strive towards being better at what I am.

So then of course I got to wondering, how did I get to be here from there. What processes happened, was it just acceptance of the above.

It is very difficult defining the structure of your own confusion which is what you manage to do and why this is brilliant, keep scribbling.

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